May 17, 2020: I am supposed to be a protector, a provider

I definitely enjoy seeing the posts from everyone who is taking part in Lifelines! We are going through a very trying time mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually, in here! On top of the normal stress associated with doing time, especially a considerable amount such as myself! I have been locked up 12 yrs. this time and I have 9 more to go! that's hard, but listening to what I am putting my 11 children through by doing, thus far, since 2000, 17 yrs. all together, I feel like such a waist of space! By the grace of God I have stayed in touch with them and we all have grown up together! Now that is the bed I made and I am laying in it no tears!

A couple yrs. ago I had a friend start a Facebook page for me so my children and now grandchildren can have another way to K.I.T. cause we know jpay costs and they are just barely making it themselves. Now when Covid-19 hit I posted some pics and that I was sick and tested positive! Hindsight it was a bad idea cause I caused my daughters so much grief, one more than most! My Key-baby, she has always been very close to me and takes my absence harder than most. When she saw my post she broke! Her mother had 2 strokes due to Covid-19 & is now in a nursing home relearning to walk! Her father's been in prison, not sentenced to death, but now possibly serving a death sentence! Thanks to officers who are now on social media BRAGGING about what they did to us! Grrrr

My poor key-baby finally got a call from me the other day after a month and cried the entire 20 min! Why did I do this to them, by even being in here where these officers could infect me! In the end I have to take responsibility for all this! You really start to feel like what am I good for! I am supposed to be a protector, a provider, yet here I am causing those closest to me nothing but grief! Yet I am a SOLDIER so there's no wallowing in grief or depression allowed, but I have to say PAIN IS REAL! So kind words are blessing and I want to say please keep them coming! Brain teasers give me something else to focus on so THANK YOU!